Day 1: May Day ride, Yachats to Heceta Head, 31 miles
It’s been so long since I’ve written! And since I’ve ridden. My cycling has been sporadic at best. Many transitions, losses, stresses. And new insights, healing, life.
Today’s ride begins with a sense of anticipation mixed with dread, heading south with a strong tailwind means I know my return will be arduous. Yet I welcome it. The physical challenge of 15 miles ridden into a 25 mph headwind will make me strong.
Can I also welcome the emotional challenges I am facing? See opportunities for growth, strengthening my spirit? I have a choice. Fighting change only leaves me confused, exhausted and worst of all resentful.
Ah, resentment. I once read that resentment is like taking poison every day while hoping your enemy will die. Resentment is like a cancer of the soul, an overgrowth of a normal emotion – anger – which festers, out of control, eventually threatening the entire being.
My life partner of the last 20 years left Oregon 3 days ago, beginning a new life on the East Coast. We’d been separated for nearly 2 years, struggling to resolve financial ties. Not much changed over the long separation, save the realization that letting go was the only way to move forward. I am remaining in Corvallis, running the business, managing the homestead, wondering which direction my life should go.
To be clear: I left her. To find myself. And got promptly lost. In guilt. In pain. In resentment. But not against her. Against myself. For failing at the most important commitment of my life.
On my ride today, my favorite coastline flies under my wheels. I climb hills, descents are thrilling. Blue skies ahead. Gulls, gusts, whitecaps, rhododendrons, lupine, spruce, salal, fresh breezes, fecund scents. I obsess, fret, ruminate, grumble, weep. And then, nothing. No thought. I’ve ridden up and over 5 miles, into the grueling wind. And not noticed. My resentment. Is gone.
I don’t know what it will take for you, dear reader. But you must find a way. Let go of any resentment you carry. It is the only way to move forward. The only way to begin.
A new life.