Why do I still want her? Even knowing how toxic our relationship is. Even having tasted the freedom of our separation.

We spent the afternoon together, talking about upcoming catering, working in the garden, having lunch. A perfect June day, with the clouds I love scattered across the deep blue sky.

I didn’t realize my mistake until I caught myself telling her I had a good time, looking in her eyes and feeling attraction again, telling her I liked her. Feeding that hope she had carried. Asshole.

Now here I am, at 4am. Deeply weeping. Knowing I must let her go. Again and again and again.